Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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