All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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