Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
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I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
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You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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