Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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