Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
