you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
