I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
