The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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