apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
