I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
