Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
