Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
