Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
