I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
