woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
