Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
