I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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