my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
