I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
