He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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