I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
