Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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