i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
