Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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