You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
