If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i out mim tonsoeep
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
