had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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