i already hear my dad disowning me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
