omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
high people should be assigned attendants
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
