"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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