I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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