I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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