I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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