it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
