perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
