Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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