Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
