he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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