He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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