I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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