i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
