If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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