so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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