He uses pillows to masturbate.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
