I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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