I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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