I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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