She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
