I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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