Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
