EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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