my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
