I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
