No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
